The Edge of (twenty)Seventeen

In my past, my self-image has crippled me. It’s kept me from being with people I love, acting the way I feel, wearing the clothes I like, and being who I am.

At the end of 2017, I was reviewing my planner and my priorities. I looked back on how I spent my time, my weekly goals, and what I seemed to focus on. The main priority always seemed to have something to do with changing who I was, but never once mentioning acceptance or self-love. The amount of time and energy I put into changing myself is the most exhausting thing about 2017 (and that’s saying a lot, right? **insert ur favorite2017 meme that everyone’s seen here**). It seemed like I constantly had some sort of monthly goal to look like w, be like x, appear like y, and think like z.

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I was always asking myself “what could I do to make _____ look better?” “If I just did ____, I wouldn’t be having an issues with _____.” “Why do I look like this?” “Why do I make destructive choices?”. At first, I realize the main things that use to fill in the blanks here were most definitely about my body-image and fitness goals. I even wrote this at the end of December:

This year felt like a roller coaster, a battle, a failure maybe? But at this point I feel like I accomplished something bigger than losing weight, grasping my health, etc. I think I’m finally done trying to be someone I’m not or trying to have a body I’ll never have. I felt a lot of pressure to do that. To reach a “normal” BMI. To hit “goal” on the diet plan I did. To visit people and look different or better somehow to them. To look like all of these people all over social media <– seriously why does that effect me so much?! I hate it. It ruins me and any positive feelings I have about my physical shape. I hate admitting this, but it makes me judge other people <- -EVEN WORSE. So destructive – right?

Anyway – I’m finally sick of it and just want to feel normal. As of lately, I’ve been doing Fitness Blenders five days a week and taking rest days as needed, doing yoga when I feel like it, and going on walks. I just restarted that old diet plan again but I don’t think I want to anymore. It’s making me feel obsessed with seeing progress on the scale. For example, yesterday I tried  something on in a changing room and thought –  “Wow!  I look toned and strong” – and then this morning I weighed myself and thought “What could I do? How did I let this happen? I messed up by eating ___ last night.” SO HARMFUL. So sad, right?

So here’s to freaking 2018 – the year I stop giving a shit about progress and numbers and ratios and before-and-afters. Here’s to just feeling good each day and finding what feels good!

That was nuts. I really cracked open and let it ooze aaaallll out.

So recently, I made this vow to solve this horrible, addictive dilemma i’ve been stuck in for way too long. At first, it seemed like this was all about body image. Then I realized – this is about everything. This is about all of the doubts and hurtful things I’ve said to myself. The critical thoughts I’ve said about my body. The inner-scolding about my finances and spending habits. Wounding my ego about how my priorities are all out of order. How I’m ruining and scarring my relationships with people in my life.

..but you know what? I’m really awesome. I can hike, run, enjoy nature, breathe clearly, stretch, sing, dance, and create. I can travel the world at ease and experience as much or little as I desire.

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So the vow I’ve decided to make to myself is to not have anymore painful, unattainable goals. Because making these plans to change who I am is just looking at myself and saying “this is wrong. you’re doing it wrong.” It’s to take each day at a time (everyone and everything points to this but its so hard to listen). To enjoy the present and take baby steps. To ask myself, “what can I do to enjoy myself today?” rather than, “what could I do to make myself feel good in x amount of days/months?”

I came up with a few methodical tactics to keep myself on track for this whole radical self-love, easy-going year ahead of me (P.S. this year is going to be so fun – lots of traveling, moving, and changing everything is what’s in store for me and Todd). I’ll be sharing these fun details soon.

But for now? I’m just focusing on today and respecting the journey ahead of me. Here’s to the vows and my new marriage to the acceptance of my true, present self.

Peace + Love + Present Moments

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